I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I think my mom just blocked me
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.