A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
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[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble