My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.