My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
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wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*