Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
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I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier