If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.