I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Just so funny
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No