The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.