Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back