How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell