Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
You Might Also Like
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Um … Hot Wings please
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.