Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
The struggle is real.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
That’s fair
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what