Why font matters.
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I have no passwords left in me
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”