“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning