U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Always 🥴
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Pat is about to own someone
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*