All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about