*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
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If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.