Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Siri: Retweet me.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.