[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
You Might Also Like
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: