this was the best i’ve ever seen
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[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?