With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.