Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”