Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO