I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
You Might Also Like
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Weirdos gonna weird.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”