After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Please do it!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’