Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Danger is very dangerous
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming