The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
thanksgiving in nutshell
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.