Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.