science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.