Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …