When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
even bears disappoint their mothers
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?