PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Breaking news:
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.