I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you