[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.