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Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”