A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
How it started: How it’s going:
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.