Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Bike for sale
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down