What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“You’d better run, egg!”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.