So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit