I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
You Might Also Like
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.