Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
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I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.