ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner