Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor