Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.