I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Breaking news:
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Velcrow
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.