Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Happy birthday to all the women
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Body by sandwich.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason