Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.