It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store