Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*