this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I’d love this…lol
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Netflix and you sit over there.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”